Cold

I live in a house without central heating. Consequently, it becomes freezing cold at the slightest provocation, and won't warm up ever. At this point it might be warmer outside. I've resorted to wearing multiple sweaters and huddling by the dinky little radiator. Typing is a bit rough, but that's okay. At least the cats are warm.

Being cold magnifies loneliness and hunger. The Girlfriend is back in Davis, and I'm realizing how much I'd gotten used to her being around. School creates maximal possible human contact with minimal humans I actually want to contact, which is a profoundly lonely experience. I do have friends there, but the vast majority of my "peers" (which is a teacher word I hesitate to use) make me feel homicidal on a good day, and like running away and hiding on bad days. Add homework, which I'm currently ignoring in hopes that it will go away (hasn't worked yet), and you have the steaming pile of shit that is my current high school experience. Plus, getting up early, not getting to eat enough, and being fucking freezing all day. This is the best of all possible worlds.

Rehearsal for No Exit in half an hour. Time to test my ostensible directorial clout, as we have to finish blocking and get the new Garcin/Cradeau caught up. I'm not letting anyone go home until we're blocked. We'll see how well that works.

The most persistent emotion I've felt over the last few months is a profound desire to run away to a cave and never rejoin civilization. I'll learn to eat bugs and grass and become a crazy hermit. It's beginning to seem like the best possible option. I would at least not have to argue with shitheads on a regular basis, and maybe I'd be able to sleep properly for once. I can't run off to a cave, though, because I'm still clinging to the mostly futile idea that I'm worth anything to society, and that I might be able to contribute something to the world.

The school system functions to destroy work ethics. It encourages achievement of a goal at any cost, instead of teaching the value of working to enrich oneself and one's community. It teaches first grade students to work hard and do their best, and then when they get to high school it decides that's not enough, that it doesn't matter how hard you work, you must meet certain arbitrary markers of success. I do not hold with this forcing the choice of success over happiness. I refuse to accept status over character, success over happiness, martyrdom over true achievement, and "capitalism" over ethics. It's wrong, it's bad for the world, bad for the children we ostensibly teach to be good people, and leads to nothing but empty greed, dishonesty and unhappiness. No Harvard diploma can guarantee you happiness. No six figure salary will make your dreams come true. NO ONE KNOWS THE ANSWERS TO LIFE. Least of all the school system. Pretending otherwise is bullshit.

I feel like the kid playing dodgeball who's been hit a couple too many times, is being humiliated and picked on, and yells "I don't wanna play anymore!" But it's a lot harder to get out of all this shit than recess dodgeball.

Hey, they were right about one thing: dodgeball is like real life. Motherfuckers.